Against the Sun and Moon
by Tabi
Summary: Marron muses on what he thinks of Carrot. Carrot muses on what he thinks of Marron. Squishy brothercestness.


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AGAINST THE SUN AND MOON

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When the moon shines outside, I watch him, and think about how beautiful he is.

He's my niisan. I love him.

But really... I do.

He loves me too. He's the only one I want, and he wants me also, so... I'm happy.

I can't sleep on such occasions. When the moon shines outside, shines upon his beautiful, innocent sleeping face... sometimes he can be stupid, sometimes he deserves the punishment he gets from Tira and Chocolat, but... with me, there's no stupidity. He doesn't need to be stupid with me... some people would tell me that I'm cold, that I'm distant... with him, there's no need for that either. Between us, we manage to destroy any mask or barrier we put up to the outside world. With each other, there's no need for that... there's only each other, and we are beautiful to each other.

He's beautiful to me.

The moon is full outside... it shines in through the window, bright enough perhaps to distract... but it isn't the moon that distracts me. Only him. Only Carrot. The moon heightens that distraction, but even if the moon were not there, I wouldn't mind. I would watch him anyway. The only thing the moon does is serve as something to watch him by... watch him... watch his beauty.

Some might say that he's a strange thing to call beautiful... he's stupid, he's a pervert, he's plain, how can you, someone so beautiful, call someone so ugly, beautiful? .... 'Some' being Gateau. It's dangerous, he... can't understand. The only comment was one chance remark that I thought he was beautiful... Gateau can't understand my feelings, but I'm not sure that many would... the Misu sisters certainly wouldn't. No, but... he's beautiful. He's beautiful to me. When we're in each other's arms, he's beautiful. When he looks so lost, so innocent... he's beautiful. When those deep brown eyes flutter shut, those soft eyelashes brushing towards his soft, kissable cheeks... he's beautiful... he's beautiful. He's irresistible. He's the person I love, I'm sure of it. I hope... I hope I'm the person he loves. He says he loves me. I believe him.

Sometimes the moon shines on his beauty, and I revel in it. Sometimes the moon shines on a sadder scene... my niisan during a nightmare... I comfort, I hold, but... when he cries, it's a hopeless feeling, knowing that such things plague his inner mind enough to disturb him so... but I do what I can, as much as I can. I hold him to me. He holds back... he sleeps in my arms, I sleep with him in my arms. Sometimes it's gentler, and I sleep in his arms... he doesn't mind holding me.

I'm content to love him.

When the sun shines above us, I watch him, and think about how beautiful he is.

Even when it's a different time, a different feeling, a different situation... he's still my niisan. I still love him.

I always love him.

When the sun shines, it's less apparent. He loves me and I love him, but... when the sun shines, he feels the need to chase girls, he always makes Tira and Chocolat angry. He can't tell them the feelings he feels for someone else, so he hides his feelings behind a mask of stupidity. Chasing girls. Not thinking about his actions. Always ending up with Tira and Chocolat expressing their anger in the time-honoured fashion... the whips, the leather, the accusations... when the sun shines upon us, my niisan revels in his stupidity, and perhaps I retreat into my silence. If I'm cold, if I'm distant, it's only because I don't want to say anything. I don't want them to suspect, I don't want anyone to suspect... my brother doesn't want anyone to suspect either. He's more adept at hiding it than I am. No-one would suspect the love that he hides behind that constant flirting.

The love he has for me.

The sun shines up above, shines from the sky above, bright, hopeful, warm... the warm, comforting sun helps bring out the quieter qualities of my brother. I watch him, only him, only Carrot. The sun makes him beautiful, and that beauty distracts me, but... even if it were not sunny, I would watch him. I always watch him. The sun shines upon him and makes him more beautiful.

Yes, he's stupid, yes, he's a pervert... perhaps people would call him plain, perhaps people would call me beautiful. Maybe there's some that might think the other way around. While I watch my brother, Gateau flirts with me... I don't react. I can't react. Reaction to Gateau would be to betray my niisan and the feelings I have for him... the feelings we have for each other.

When the sun shines, I cannot hold him, but still, he's beautiful. He seems so happy during the day... his happiness, his joy... despite his intentions, sometimes... almost a naive innocence. Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part, but... he's still beautiful, still the Carrot I love... the sun shining makes him shine, the brightness on his skin, the way it highlights his hair, the way it makes his eyes sparkle... even during the day, he's beautiful. Beautiful and irresistible, like the Carrot that I hold during the night. During the day, I still love him. As sure as at night, I love him. It's more distanced during the day, given his behaviour, given our limitations, but... he's still the person I love, and I still hope I'm the person he loves. It's rarer to hear during the day, but... if he says 'I love you', then... I still believe him.

Sometimes the sun shines upon him and highlights his beauty... I revel in it. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it's cloudy, sometimes the day isn't as beautiful. But my niisan is still my niisan... and I await the night, the night where I can hold him, be held by him... until then, I have to satiate myself with looks and glances, a touch of the shoulder meaning so much when it could mean so little... I wish we could be free, but we can't. Not with the others around. I wouldn't lose the closeness of the group for the world, but... how much freer would we be if it was only us, niisan? But I watch you, and though you can't watch back, you don't mind me watching.

I'm content to watch him.

*

When the moon shines outside, I watch him, and think about how beautiful he is.

He's my otouto. I love him.

Not just like that, though... I mean, well, I _love_ him.

He loves me too, sure... I want him, he wants me, there's nothing to complain about, is there?

I like it when it's a dark night, there's a moon outside, and it just shines... most of the time I'm watching from somewhere near sleep, I can't help it, his arms are just so warm and nice, I love being there in them, but I wish I could stay awake a little longer... he's so kind, so beautiful... sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone like him, but something inside me tells me I shouldn't argue, so I try not to.

The moon makes him look so great, though... sometimes he seems kinda pale, but... nah, it's just one of those things that makes him beautiful. Marron with a tan wouldn't work at all. The moon just... it makes him _shine, he seems alive with the moon's light on him, or something... yeah, I know I act stupid and stuff, but... hey, he acts cold and stuff too. Just 'cause we act like that during the day doesn't mean we haveta act like it when we're together, does it? So we don't. I get a bit more serious, he gets a bit more open. I'm serious enough with him, and he's open enough with me... we don't need to act like we do to other people to each other, we're brothers, we can share anything, and I'm his big brother; Marron can act how he likes with me, 'cause I act just how I like with him. We are as we are, and we love it._

We love it and each other.

When the moon's full and it's shining in through a window, I just sit and watch him as his eyes close. Maybe he thinks I'm asleep, 'cause he's falling asleep, and he usually doesn't like to sleep when he could be awake with me, but... when he's asleep, it's easier to watch him and be able to watch him. Yeah, the moonlight could make anything beautiful, even Gateau or something, but I don't wanna think about _that_, I wanna think about my beautiful brother, now he... he's like what moonlight was made for.

What kind of things were beautiful in this world before Marron? I can't think of anything, but I've only been in this world a year longer than him anyway. Loads of people would call Marron beautiful, Gateau would, random girls we meet in towns would, father would, loads of people would. Would people call me beautiful? I dunno, I'm not really _beautiful_, not like Marron is. Still, Marron says he finds me beautiful... it's one of those little warming things, y'know? It doesn't matter if people call me stupid or ugly or plain or whatever, Marron thinks I'm beautiful, and that fact knocks all other speculation aside. Still, while Marron thinks I'm beautiful... surely he knows he's beautiful, right? People wouldn't understand how we felt about each other, but surely they've at least gotta understand why I find him beautiful, right? There's just... nothing about him that's ugly, not a single mark or blemish on his body I'd point at and go "eww", everything about him is just, well, _perfect_... it could be frustrating that he's my brother and I got none of that, I'm just the one everyone thinks is plain and ugly, but if he's my brother and he got the better side of the gene pool, well, doesn't that just give me more cause to marvel on that side of it? I didn't get it, but I sure as hell can watch it. And feel it. I love being in his arms, being held by him... and he loves to hold me, too. When he looks so calm and collected, he's beautiful. When I look up at him, those dark eyes shining whatever colour they feel in the darkness, those eyes watching me with such a deep, intense look... he's beautiful, he's irresistible, and I see exactly what it is Gateau likes about him too, but with a difference. Gateau likes him, Gateau wants him. I love him, I have him. I love him, I'm sure I love him... I don't know if he believes me. I almost feel guilty, I mean, he's only sixteen, he could have the world at his feet if he wanted it, he could have a harem the size of a city with the amount of people who'd like him, for his looks or whatever else... there's that, but still, he chose me over all of that. He says he loves me, and I say I love him back. 'Cause I do. More than my guilt, I love him. Sometimes it's like... our love is the only thing I feel I can count on, so... when I say I love him, it's important. Like when he's holding me in a nightmare. Thoughts and dreams of Sacher Torte burn through my mind, they won't go away, they _don't go away, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT... the only thing that makes those thoughts bearable, is Marron. Well, nothing can make the thoughts themselves bearable, but the fact that Marron's always there for me afterwards when my eyes open and I'm crying... it doesn't make the images any easier to bear, but it makes them easier to forget afterwards. It hurts so much, but he tries his best, and I appreciate it, I really do. His arms feel so soft and warm and safe, it's so easy to just lose myself in them. So I do, whenever I can. Sometimes he wants me to hold him... I don't mind. If he feels like how I do when I'm in his arms, then of course I don't mind, I want him to feel that just as much as I do._

I don't want anything else. Just him.

When the sun shines above us, I want to watch him, and think about how beautiful he is.

Even when it's a different time and place, and I can only want to watch him, he's still Marron, still my otouto. I still love him.

But then again, I _always_ love him.

When the sun's shining, I... I like it because the sun's shining, but I hate it 'cause it means it's daytime and that means we can't be as close. I love him, he loves me, but during the daytime, it can't be just him and me, it's gotta be him and me and Tira and Chocolat and Gateau and Big Mama and Dota and whoever the hell else... jeez. And people wonder why I'm always girl-chasing. Well, they can't know the real reason... I'm in love with my brother, that's wrong, right? And the people who love me, people like Tira and Chocolat... well, it'd just hurt 'em more. So why not attempt to prove rampant straightness to them by chasing after every pretty girl we meet? Sure, it pisses them off, but I don't think they'd be too happy if they knew how I felt about my brother, of all people. I'd rather have them whipping the hell outta me for groping that cute waitress we saw than whipping the hell outta me for holding my brother's hand or something. Makes sense, right? You see why I do it? ... Sure you do. Well, I hope so. When the sun shines, it almost makes Marron look lonely... when the moonlight shines on him and melts in with his paleness, then it's beautiful... but sometimes, it's almost like he doesn't belong in the daytime, y'know? I guess we're happier at night. I'm sure Marron feels that as much as I do. Marron's as cold and distant as I am loud and flirty, but that's just what we feel we have to do so people don't suspect us... I don't want anyone to suspect, Marron doesn't want that either. So I act all loud and stuff, he acts all distanced, and no-one would suspect the warmness he hides behind that cold outer layer, the love he has to hide.

The love he has for me.

The sun shines up above, shines from the sky above, bright, hopeful, warm... the warm, comforting sun even makes my brother look warm, when he smiles in that sun, it's a warm smile like nothing else, usually smiling because of something I've done... he watches only me, I wish I could watch only him too, but that's just not possible. Marron's so damned beautiful, though!! I really really wish I could watch the sun on him, but I can't, I can't, and I hate it!

Sure, he's quiet. Sure, he's distant. That's just how he acts around people, though! That's just how he is, except for when we're alone together... can't help how we act with people. He certainly seems cold and distant with Gateau... maybe he should flirt back with Gateau, better people think he's gay and likes Gateau than have people think he's gay and that he likes his brother, but... nah, I don't really want him to flirt with Gateau, not really. It'd hurt if he did, I think. That smile he smiles for me, at me... that smile being directed at Gateau... no, I don't want that at all. Sometimes I feel bad, running around after all those girls, but... Marron knows why I do it, he knows I'm not really serious, he knows I only do it 'cause I really really don't want people knowing what I'm _really_ like... and what'd that be? Some kind of sick freak who's in love with his brother? Well, if it's a crime to be in love with Marron, who happens to be my brother, well, yeah. Sure. I can't help the feelings I have for him, we can't help the feelings we have for each other... can we? I hope not.

When the sun shines, I gotta go girlchasing. I can't really tell the others that Marron's way more beautiful than most of the girls I chase, day in, day out... Marron always seems so distant during the day, it takes a trained brother's eye to notice the emotions there, but yeah, he's not as emotionless as people'd make him seem, not really. It makes me hurt, the quiet, silent sadness in his eyes as I chase after girls... I don't expect him to be happy that I'm running around after girls, but... he wouldn't be happy if people were mad at us for being in love, would he? I guess he's like me. I don't want him going off after Gateau, even if he didn't mean it, it'd hurt... I don't want to hurt him, but when it comes to this kinda thing, I don't know if I can help that... still, the sunlight makes Marron beautiful when I get the chance to see what he's looking like each day. I can't exactly stand and ogle, wish I could, but I can't. Still... the bright sunlight on that pale skin, warming it... the way it makes that long black hair of his shine... the way the light moves as he moves his head, moves his hair... his eyes are dark and serious, but the sun still gets in there, makes his eyes all sparkle and shimmer... man, he's so beautiful. Beautiful and irresistible, like the Marron that holds me during the night... even if I can't show it as much, during the day, I still love him. Just as much as during the night, I love him... I hate that it's so distanced during the day, I hate that we have to put our feelings on hold, but... we're still the people each other loves, and as long as we know that, I guess it's for the best. I wish I could tell him I loved him during the day! Whenever the chance arises, I do, I can't exactly hold his hand during the day, but... I can still sometimes say 'I love you', hoping it sounds like it's in a brotherly context... I'll say that, and hope he knows what I mean. Hope he believes me.

Sometimes the sun shines and makes my brother an unearthly beauty, and it's great. Sometimes it'll rain, sometimes it's all grey and cloudy, some days just aren't as nice as others... but Marron's still Marron, and I always look forward to the night where I can be held by him, when he can hold me... the day is a waiting game of looks and glances and things that are meaningful to us and no-one else... I grab him during battle. Am I grabbing him to protect him, or grabbing him because it's an excuse to feel his body? Well, both. He protects me, I wanna protect him, even if I can't so much. I love Tira and Chocolat like people love their sisters, they're like sisters to me, really affectionate sisters... Marron's my brother, though - and he's so much more to me than that. It's not like I wish Tira and Chocolat'd suddenly vanish, or Gateau either, but damn, if it was just me and Marron, we wouldn't have to pretend at all, it'd be great... every day, I feel his eyes on me, and I wish I could have my eyes on him too. He's content just to watch me.

I don't wanna watch anything else. Just him.

I wish I was able to...

*

I love him.

- Fin-

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Author's Ranting

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Oh, how I love unexpected fluff. See, I just got offline after perusing yaoi sites and finding doujin and all that fun stuff... I'd been talking to Achan, "I guess this is the right kinda mood to write hentai, dammit, I wish I could just _find_ hentai though!!", then I was walking through the house to get to my room, noticed it was a bright moon (not a full moon though, there's kinda chunk taken out of it, I don't know if it's clouds or what), and I thought about how the moon makes things look so pretty... and with my mind going how my mind goes, I thought "Wouldn't Marron look pretty under the moon?" and I just got this image of Marron in bed watching Carrot sleeping while the moonlight streamed in on the two of them... oh, such a pretty image. So I sat down and wrote about it. I was looking through my music collection for some music to write by (I eventually settled on "Evolution", some really pretty background music from The Big O), and... well, a little before that, I thought about the moon, and the song from Violinist of Hamelin, "Against the Sun and Moon"... it was when I thought of that, I thought... "Why not have a kind of comparison, Marron thinking about what Carrot's like when the moon's out, and when the sun's out?"... I didn't write while listening to that song, though. Too up-beat. Anyway, after I started doing that, I thought about how I always seem to be writing things from Marron's point of view, and thought "Why don't I reverse the situation and have Carrot thinking about Marron too?", so I did. Heh, I write from Marron's point of view, I narrate about Marron's feelings for Carrot... then I get to Carrot's feelings for Marron, and it all comes pouring out ^o^. Well, hey, first and foremost I'm a Marron fangirl, can't help going on about how beautiful he is, right? ^_^. And I'm sure Carrot'd feel exactly the same way. Except I don't think he'd think 'I'm a Marron fangirl', because if he seriously thought that, I'd be a bit worried about his mental state ^^

Anyway, talking about mental states, it's 3am, I'm getting tired. I finished this in one sitting though (except I watched some TV between paragraph one and two ish... Monkey, badly-dubbed japanese fun, yay! ... Is that Ti... Ti... I forget the name, but is he/she supposed to be a guy or a girl? I think he's a guy, and quite bishounen, but why did they have to dub with a girl's voice? :P), so that's a good thing. And earlier on today, I finished my future Gaterron piece... yay, today's not been bad for writing :D

- Tabi -

20th February 2003

Who's talking at the end? Oh, whoever you want.

Partypoppl@aol.com


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